[She hears that, the immediate shift in his mood, the alarm. She thought he'd realised. Clearly they were both further on the back foot than they'd known.]
No, I--
[She cuts herself off, a sharp frown. She doesn't want to lie, even if it's by omission. He's got a right to know how and what she can do.]
I could. But I'm trying not to listen. You're loud sometimes and you're different to what I'm used to so it keeps... [Another stunted little gesture that doesn't mean anything.] catching, but. I'm not listening. And I'm not digging.
[ derek's immediate instinct is to get off the lift, put the entire ship between him and her. she can hear what's happeng inside his head, that's unprecedented. it feels like an intrusion, and he's a little panicky with it. but there's no beat of lie in her voice, so he squares his shoulders, tries to breath the panic out of his body. ]
I'll figure out a way to be quieter.
[ he does't say don't look, not specifically, but it's written in every line of his body, in the way he turns his gaze away from her. ]
[It's not the reaction she's expecting, really. Remembers how she'd chewed Oxford out, when she'd found out what he could do. But Derek's turning it around, not attacking, and she isn't sure what to do with that. Except that she doesn't like it.]
It's not your fault. I'm the freak. If you wanna just... stay away, that's fine.
[She'd understand. Probably more than he'd realise, and she takes a breath of her own, gaze caught somewhere on the floor next to Jabber's paw as she carries on talking.]
There are girls, where I'm from. [She could list every one of them, names and numbers, because once they'd figured out how much she hated what they could do, she'd been a repeat target. That was how the Academy worked.] They can fuck with your head. Make you see shit that isn't there, know when you're lying, turn things around on you. Make you do shit and you don't even know it wasn't you 'til after they've let you go.
[And even then, she'd always been left with the bitter aftertaste that maybe it had already been there and all Carla had done was give it a little nudge.
But the idea of doing that to someone else makes her feel sick.]
[ it's in derek's nature to internalize things, to take the blame and the fault and turn it into himself. it's what his life has taught him. if something terrible happens, it's because he brought it on himself. and tyke--
freak pulls at something in derek, deep in his gut. there'd been hunters who said that, called them freaks and monsters and came after them with knives and guns and fire. but what tyke was, it wasn't that. ]
You don't-- [know that. Because he doesn't know her, only a few conversations. Even past that, she'd said the same to Jenna, when she'd tried to call Taylor a good person. She can't just take things like that, not when they're not true, her past and the things she's done.
But the lift chooses that moment to stop, for the doors to open on the corridor outside the shuttle bay. And Taylor just stares at Derek for a long moment, some part of her tempted to tell him to get out, to take the lift back down and never meet him in person again.
She doesn't. Her gaze drops away, instead, and she walks out of the lift, dogs following.]
Shuttle bay. Windows. [She gestures loosely.] Come on.
[Whatever that moment was, the things they'd said, they could leave that shit behind in the lift.]
[ it's good timing. the conversation had shifted onto a slippery slope, and it would be so easy to lose their footing and fall. and what a fall it would be, considering the subject matter. but she and the dogs pile out and derek trails along behind her, face creased in a little frown. ]
[Taylor gives a shrug, hitting the release on the doors into the bay.]
There's some pros to being head of security, I guess.
[Had to be some, considering the rest of the shit she had to deal with. But she's mostly joking, looking back at him as she leads the way in.]
Carolyn doesn't mind as long as you're not fucking around with their equipment.
[The place was colossal, all the bays and the mostly-useless shuttles sitting in them, the multitude of doors leading to the rest of the ship. It was near impossible to police, to stop people getting in. Not to mention they'd be blocking access to the ship's only windows.
Not that they were particularly welcoming to outsiders, though.]
[ derek feels out of place immediately, but that's not really anything new. he feels out of place in most of the ship. this isn't where he was ever meant to end up. ]
Couldn't fly one even if I wanted to.
[ which probably wasn't the most reassuring of things, but whatever. ]
[Taylor gestures over at an area further up the bay, where there seem to be a few people moving around, the sounds of mechanical work going on with a couple of shuttles set out on the main floor. There were others, as well, she knew. The flight crew tended to work scattered throughout, but that tended to be the communal point, the place Derek would really need to keep out of the way of.]
Then you'll be okay.
[But she doesn't lead him over there, just carries on walking, and then gestures at the section of wall coming up on their left. The section where wall stops and window starts.]
[ space. it's different here, this close. derek steps up to the window, looks out in silence for a very long time. at home, he'd looked up and the night sky had never looked like this. it makes him wish for trees, for the reaching buildings of the city. for the first time since he's arrived, derek thinks of home and feels something that could be homesickness, and he pushes it away. ]
It's big.
[ what he really means is that it's unending, that it stretches on and on without a break in sight. it's a humbling sight. ]
[Taylor's been down here plenty of times since she first arrived on the ship, but the view out into space is still impressive. She leaves him alone for the moment, turns her attention to her dogs, lets him deal with it how he wants to, because she knows there's people that find it overwhelming, frightening.
It's only when he speaks that she moves to stand beside him, look out at the stars.]
I always thought the world was big, you know? Too much shit to ever see all of it, all the lives going on that you'll never know about.
[Maybe it was from living behind the Academy's walls, only ever seeing the world in small glimpses, learning geography and language but never using it unless there was a mission. Or maybe Taylor's always felt small. Just never let it scare her.
She steps up onto the wide ledge at the bottom of the window, standing so there's only a centimetre between her and the glass. It's enough to make it seem like there's nothing between her and the dark, like she could just drift off - until she breathes, fogs up a tiny patch of the glass, shatters the illusion.]
[ the impulse to pull her back is a sharp, surprising thing. she's not going to fall, derek knows that. the glass isn't going to shatter and she won't get pulled out, but the impulse is there. derek puts his hands in is pockets instead. ]
No one lives forever.
[ it's a very flat statement, like derek knows this for a fact. ]
Even if you did, you still couldn't see everything.
[ the glass is unendingly half empty with derek. ]
I know. [She says it quietly, but the tone in her voice is much the same as his: flat, factual. She stares out at the stars for a moment longer, then turns to step off the ledge again.] That's what makes shit important.
[She know you don't live forever, and you don't get to see everything. The way her world had been before the Tranquility, living to hit eighteen was an accomplishment. It never lessened anything, not for her. Made it bigger, if anything.
She tips her chin up, a quick little motion, gesturing back up the shuttle bay behind him.]
[ derek lets it go. between the lifts and this, there's been enough heavy conversation for one meeting, and derek is sincerely trying to keep his thoughts quiet, muffled like that'll stop her from hearing them. ]
See as in?
[ because he can see everything fine from where he's standing. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
No, I--
[She cuts herself off, a sharp frown. She doesn't want to lie, even if it's by omission. He's got a right to know how and what she can do.]
I could. But I'm trying not to listen. You're loud sometimes and you're different to what I'm used to so it keeps... [Another stunted little gesture that doesn't mean anything.] catching, but. I'm not listening. And I'm not digging.
no subject
I'll figure out a way to be quieter.
[ he does't say don't look, not specifically, but it's written in every line of his body, in the way he turns his gaze away from her. ]
no subject
It's not your fault. I'm the freak. If you wanna just... stay away, that's fine.
[She'd understand. Probably more than he'd realise, and she takes a breath of her own, gaze caught somewhere on the floor next to Jabber's paw as she carries on talking.]
There are girls, where I'm from. [She could list every one of them, names and numbers, because once they'd figured out how much she hated what they could do, she'd been a repeat target. That was how the Academy worked.] They can fuck with your head. Make you see shit that isn't there, know when you're lying, turn things around on you. Make you do shit and you don't even know it wasn't you 'til after they've let you go.
[And even then, she'd always been left with the bitter aftertaste that maybe it had already been there and all Carla had done was give it a little nudge.
But the idea of doing that to someone else makes her feel sick.]
I don't want to be like that.
no subject
freak pulls at something in derek, deep in his gut. there'd been hunters who said that, called them freaks and monsters and came after them with knives and guns and fire. but what tyke was, it wasn't that. ]
You're not.
no subject
But the lift chooses that moment to stop, for the doors to open on the corridor outside the shuttle bay. And Taylor just stares at Derek for a long moment, some part of her tempted to tell him to get out, to take the lift back down and never meet him in person again.
She doesn't. Her gaze drops away, instead, and she walks out of the lift, dogs following.]
Shuttle bay. Windows. [She gestures loosely.] Come on.
[Whatever that moment was, the things they'd said, they could leave that shit behind in the lift.]
no subject
They don't mind we're in here?
[ yes subject change bring that on. ]
no subject
There's some pros to being head of security, I guess.
[Had to be some, considering the rest of the shit she had to deal with. But she's mostly joking, looking back at him as she leads the way in.]
Carolyn doesn't mind as long as you're not fucking around with their equipment.
[The place was colossal, all the bays and the mostly-useless shuttles sitting in them, the multitude of doors leading to the rest of the ship. It was near impossible to police, to stop people getting in. Not to mention they'd be blocking access to the ship's only windows.
Not that they were particularly welcoming to outsiders, though.]
Or trying to steal a shuttle.
no subject
Couldn't fly one even if I wanted to.
[ which probably wasn't the most reassuring of things, but whatever. ]
I can keep out of their way.
no subject
Then you'll be okay.
[But she doesn't lead him over there, just carries on walking, and then gestures at the section of wall coming up on their left. The section where wall stops and window starts.]
And that's space.
no subject
It's big.
[ what he really means is that it's unending, that it stretches on and on without a break in sight. it's a humbling sight. ]
no subject
It's only when he speaks that she moves to stand beside him, look out at the stars.]
I always thought the world was big, you know? Too much shit to ever see all of it, all the lives going on that you'll never know about.
[Maybe it was from living behind the Academy's walls, only ever seeing the world in small glimpses, learning geography and language but never using it unless there was a mission. Or maybe Taylor's always felt small. Just never let it scare her.
She steps up onto the wide ledge at the bottom of the window, standing so there's only a centimetre between her and the glass. It's enough to make it seem like there's nothing between her and the dark, like she could just drift off - until she breathes, fogs up a tiny patch of the glass, shatters the illusion.]
You'd have to live forever to see all of this.
no subject
No one lives forever.
[ it's a very flat statement, like derek knows this for a fact. ]
Even if you did, you still couldn't see everything.
[ the glass is unendingly half empty with derek. ]
no subject
[She know you don't live forever, and you don't get to see everything. The way her world had been before the Tranquility, living to hit eighteen was an accomplishment. It never lessened anything, not for her. Made it bigger, if anything.
She tips her chin up, a quick little motion, gesturing back up the shuttle bay behind him.]
You wanna see the shuttles?
no subject
See as in?
[ because he can see everything fine from where he's standing. ]
no subject
[She says it kind of flatly, like she's reciting a definition for someone, but then realises maybe he's still interested in staring out at space.]
If you're done with the windows, I mean.